gonzo ergo sum

Time for a little old-fashioned phrase-coining.

No doubt, you’re all familiar with the term ‘gonzo journalism.’ The idea that the writer inserts his- or herself into the mix. HST started it; Tom Wolfe championed it (was he afraid of an ass-whuppin’? Izzat the real reason?).

Latterly, I’m readin’ a lot of history where the writer follows in the footsteps of some historical figure, or figures, of greater or lesser fame, and writes not only about said figure/s but relates, too, the writer’s own feelings.

Ladies and gennelmens, this is BULLSHIT.

Invariably, when one has finished reading this sensitive ‘discovery of self’ (one author – my personal vote for most fucking annoying – put it thus: “I wanted to travel across the land that the people had walked over, measuring its distance with my eyes and soul”) one is massively under-whelmed. Who cares? The fact is that Thompson worked - was so very popular - mainly because he told a good, good story. All we get from being subjected to this latter-day hubris, these ‘journeys of discovery,’ is the discovery that the writer is, in fact, a boring twat.

I give you “non-gonzo journalism” and I consign it to the rubbish bin.

TV vs Shakespeare: who will win?

Oh, oh, Oh. Speaking of television: I think my recall is right - Shakespeare stated there were only seven basic possible plots in story-telling, but he knew not of the stuck-in-a-lift episode.

Eight, Bill, eight.

Dead meat

So I’m just quietly watching television when an ad comes on for a cooker – a griller, if you will – that sizzles meat while a series of ridges in the pan below allow the fat to run off.

It's a generic brand product.

This makes me so very, very angry.

HOW DARE YOU! YOU CHEAP-SKATE COPYCATS! YOU CHEATING, LYING, RIP-OFF MERCHANTS! YOU MENDACIOUS CONNIVING TRADEMARK-DODGING TAIWANESE PLAGIARIST WANKERS!

GEORGE FOREMAN INVENTED THAT.

After a while the rage subsides, and I get thinking: What a fabulous career George is having. For thirty years he spent his days punching blokes in the head. Then he decided to take up inventing cookware. And I start to wonder. Surely footage of every World Heavyweight Championship boxing match survives: both those sanctioned by the Nevada Gaming Commission and the Don King dodgy ones.

So could one go back and watch these tapes very closely, until one catches the exact moment when the light comes on in George’s eyes, when he is busy teaching some hapless young pup how to box, when he is throwing yet another bone-crunching blow into the face of a callow, incapable, bloodied semi-combatant, causing great joy to baying crowds and local capillary surgeons. There: we can actually see the moment. One second George is thinking about how to tease out his easy win: “Boy, you’re too dumb and too weak to fight an old pro like me. And dammit boy, you’re too fat. Way too fat.”

And then: “OHMYGOD!!!”

And as the crowd is left hooting and hollering and demanding more blood, as ring-side confusion reigns, at the end of the seventh round, when later analysis would reveal George held a 42-0 lead, he turns to his seconds and says, “take my gloves off, boys. And get me a sketch pad.”

An update

People, it appears that Skinny City's economic boom may rest on shifting sands. Now, bearing in mind (extremely competent) historians make for much better readers of all things economic than, well, economists, my pronouncements on this can be taken as certain. For the evidence i note that one of our most enduring and endearing department stores has taken to displaying bottles of Britney Spears's very own perfume at a greatly reduced price.

I must confess that despite recent attempts to 'bring myself up to speed' - as hip folk are wont to say - on matters Britney i was unaware she had - personally - alchemised four perfums.

Here is some information from her website:

Britney Spears is back. She's got a new fragrance on the shelves, a limited-edition perfume called Believe. It is the 4th fragrant release from the mega-star, following stratospheric sales of her 2004 Curious, 2005 Fantasy, and 2006 In Control. Believe is a sensual and warm blend of exotic florals and seductive amber. It is also available in a beautiful Spray gift set and Body Soufflé.

Phew: there's a lot there to digest.

I for one am delighted that Ms Spears is so sure in how she thinks people should smell that she has spent years refining whale intestines and rose dew in just such a way for our benefit, but something is missing in all of this.

A more important question needs to be asked: What perfumes does Decoy Britney want us to wear?