Security in the modern world

Now, there are people out there who seem to think there’s too much invasion of privacy and ‘do-you-have-your-identification-papers-on-you-sir’ going on. Nonsense, I sez. Bring it on. In fact, I propose further checking of true identity. But you can forget your fingerprints, DNA samples, eye scans and the like. I’m almost certain that the one truly individual characteristic of every one of the seven billion very pleasant human beings on this planet is to be found in the intricate patterns of the brown eye; the puckered lips; the bull's eye; the brown rose bud; the arsehole. I say ‘almost certain’ because, despite my well-known reputation as a strict empiricist, I have, in this case, worked from a rather small sample base; that is, zero, on account of I refuse to look at anyone else’s back door and I cannot see my own.

Gentle readers, this is no impediment: I know a lot of medical doctors and international pharmaceutical company execs read this blog, and no doubt they are arranging the necessary research programs even now.

So the next time you step into a bank, or go through customs at an airport (places of enormous import), you can expect to be asked to drop trousers (or, indeed, up skirts) and sit down to prove you are who you say you are. To you, sirs and mesdames, I say, “Ink the sphinc.”

A propos of this important security and medical breakthrough, I should add a couple of further details. Firstly, I have trademarked the idea as ‘Botty ID.’ Secondly, for the Gen Y among you – the texting crowd – I propose the asterix * as the appropriate character for expressing Botty ID. For example: “Hey, Chad, I cldn’t gt int th nghtclb lst nght bc th bncrs *ed me.”

For the older readers, think of the obverse of the now defunct Australian 2¢ coin.